i think i'm drowning.

i'm trapped in a world rushing past me too quickly.

i feel really alone.

icantdothisicantdothisican'tdothis.

this is a struggle.

i feel like i can't get my thoughts together.

i really wish i knew what was up.

i can't study, i can't work on anything.

i'm sick and i'm just so....so.....i don't even know.

is there a word for it?

taylor?

would that be it?

is there anything to describe my discombobulation? my lack of initiative?

anxiety attack? fear?

what. is. my. deal.

for real. i am having a meltdown here.

i miss my friends from high school. i miss our dialogues. i miss their laughs, and all the stupid jokes they used to tell at lunch, and all the crazy shit we'd get into.  i miss getting shoved into lockers, and making weird jello-peanut butter-fruit snack concoctions. i miss driving my car.  i miss going to sandusky.  i miss people being around to hug you, who could see you were upset and who knew what to say.  i miss the people that pissed me off the most.  i miss bitching about drama on the way home from practice with justin, being irritated with drew about his ego, holding andra's hand as i walked into the office to do something dramatic, tickling lucas (and getting kicked in the face), spinning a flag, making fun of nikki for being a lesbian, trying to get christina to say 'penis' because it was just that hilarious.

i don't know.

i really just want a hug and a heart-to-heart right now, i feel.

10 Things I am Thankful For This Week...

1. the small pharmacy making its homestead on my desk
2.  tissues
3.  mediavision
4.  soup in the dining hall
5. having been giving the gracious gift of being able to sleep with the lights on
6. the nursing school's policy on fevers and class attendance (justifies my skipping, haha)
7.  open windows
8. my bed
9.  my mother's advice (seriously, that woman is god)
10. peanut butter

10 Things I am Not So Thankful For This Week...

1. the fact that glycerin is in some of the meds i'm taking (gotta love that upset stomach feeling)
2.  being sick (apparently it makes me talk in my sleep!?!?!)
3.  skipping clinicals
4.  having a fever
5. having like, a KAJILLION THINGS TO DO!!! AND NO MOTIVATION TO DO THEM!!!
6.  the fact that health services have yet to give me an antibiodic ("you've just got so many allergies...we wouldn't want to risk you having a reaction")
7.  allergies
8. people that WILL NOT SHUT UP when i am trying to watch the lectures i missed
9.  the fact that there were no bananas yesterday
10. the fact that i had cheese, but now i don't. and i don't remember eating it. i just can't remember where it went!

...but i'm so unproductive you could probably label it an illness.

seriously, i haven't done anything in soooooo long.

........well,  there was that paper i revised yesterday.....

...........and i've been going to my classes............

so i suppose that counts for something. i'm keeping up in a very non-productive way.

today i walked \home and it started to hail. i wanted to laugh at the absuridty of it all, but instead i yelped "ouch!" every time the hail hit me.